1 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:09,800 -"Tickle", Mr "Tickle". -Mr "Tick-el". 2 00:00:09,839 --> 00:00:11,000 It undermines him. If we say "Tickle", it makes him look stupid. 3 00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:12,759 As we enter the third week, 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,880 I find Mr Tickle's attention-seeking, tent-based twattery 5 00:00:14,919 --> 00:00:17,199 even more annoying than in weeks one and two. 6 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:19,399 We haven't made him live in a tent, we just sold his house. 7 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,160 What do you put into the Networked Nation? 8 00:00:21,199 --> 00:00:25,600 Well, I am...a Minister. 9 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,000 Look at this: no missed calls. 10 00:00:30,039 --> 00:00:33,240 I used to have missed calls piling up like fucking pizza leaflets. 11 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,000 Still, I suppose it means everything's fine. How was your evening? 12 00:00:36,039 --> 00:00:38,719 Really nice. We managed to get a table at Mishkin's. 13 00:00:38,759 --> 00:00:40,079 -Oh. -And you? 14 00:00:40,119 --> 00:00:42,000 Ah, bit of a quiet one. 15 00:00:42,039 --> 00:00:44,399 Just a bottle of pinot and Twitter-abusing the cast of Glee. 16 00:00:44,439 --> 00:00:45,920 Was kind of wonderful in its own way. 17 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,719 Er, Malcolm. Can I have a couple of words, please? 18 00:00:47,759 --> 00:00:49,880 Oh, "political lightweight"? "Making up the numbers"? 19 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,280 Sorry, that's four, isn't it? 20 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:52,719 Lovely. Lovely, yeah. You've still got it. 21 00:00:52,759 --> 00:00:56,240 But, um, seriously, can I just, er... 22 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,039 HELEN: Don't take too wide a step. Start with the right. 23 00:00:59,079 --> 00:01:01,280 Yes. Okay. So relax. 24 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,159 -Cenotaph here. -Right. 25 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,840 Okay? Off you go. 26 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,439 Yeah, I think that's too slow. 27 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,200 A minute ago you said I was too fast. 28 00:01:09,239 --> 00:01:11,480 You're looking like Sleeping Beauty. That's just weird. 29 00:01:11,519 --> 00:01:13,040 You look like you've been dug up. 30 00:01:13,079 --> 00:01:15,319 -Okay. -Do you remember when you got married? 31 00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:16,799 (SIGHS) I'd rather fucking not. 32 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,400 -Okay, Nicola... -Olly, shit, I had it then. 33 00:01:19,439 --> 00:01:22,519 Right. Sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time 34 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,719 but we do have Prime Minister's Questions in one hour. 35 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,640 No, it's fine. I've got the lead question, 36 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,840 I've got the follow-up sarcastic question 37 00:01:29,879 --> 00:01:34,519 and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped. 38 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,799 Yep, you'll walk rings round him. 39 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,280 Um, this does seem to be taking an awfully long time. 40 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:41,879 -Is that too bouncy? -What do you mean, bouncy? 41 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,120 Because that's helping with my balance but if it looks... 42 00:01:44,159 --> 00:01:46,200 -OLLY: Bouncy? -It is too bouncy. 43 00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:47,840 Well, that's... You've over-exaggerated now. 44 00:01:47,879 --> 00:01:50,000 -Looks like you've got rickets. -It's Remembrance Sunday. 45 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,200 That's what your face should be doing, remembering. 46 00:01:52,239 --> 00:01:54,040 Think of a sad thing and remember it. 47 00:01:54,079 --> 00:01:56,120 Not remembering. You don't want to be walking along there going, 48 00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,599 "Oh! Oh, that reminds me. Oh, yeah." 49 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,120 Is that what you do when you're remembering? 50 00:01:59,159 --> 00:02:00,400 I think I've got it. I've got it, I've got it. 51 00:02:00,439 --> 00:02:01,920 -OLLY: Right, let's see. -Look, watch. 52 00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:04,359 I'm starting with my left foot but never mind that. 53 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,400 Now my shoe's coming off. 54 00:02:06,439 --> 00:02:08,840 The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising walking. 55 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:12,199 I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb. 56 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,120 She's one-nil down to a pony. 57 00:02:14,159 --> 00:02:17,599 A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal. A fucking foal is a baby horse. 58 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:20,840 Right. Our guest tonight on I Don't Give A Fuck About Baby Horsesis me. 59 00:02:20,879 --> 00:02:23,080 But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm. 60 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,000 And you know about her plan. 61 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:28,120 I mean, Nicola with a plan? That's like a toddler with a harpoon. 62 00:02:28,159 --> 00:02:30,240 There's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon. 63 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,599 Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. 64 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:35,800 I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty. 65 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,039 Listen, when you wake up in the morning, you've got a routine, haven't you? 66 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:42,319 (SIGHS) Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, Nespresso. 67 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:43,680 Sometimes a second shit. 68 00:02:43,719 --> 00:02:46,800 Exactly. You have a plan. That's good. 69 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,479 Nicola has a plan. That's not good. 70 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,240 But I have a plan. That's fucking great. 71 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,240 -And then I bow? -It's more of a nod, anyway. 72 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:59,879 Yeah, it's sort of um, "All right, Dead-oes", but a bit more solemn. 73 00:02:59,919 --> 00:03:02,199 And just remember to put the wreath down this time. 74 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:06,000 I didn't actually not put it down, it got caught in my glove. I told you. 75 00:03:06,039 --> 00:03:08,000 MALCOLM: Oh, that's very moving. 76 00:03:08,039 --> 00:03:11,199 "They shall not grow old who photocopied their arses at the Christmas do." 77 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:12,719 Look, I don't want to show myself up 78 00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:15,039 in front of 5,000 uniformed pensioners again. 79 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,960 Yes, I'm glad you're thinking about those pensioners 80 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,800 because those are the poor fuckers who gave everything 81 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,599 so people like you could play at running the country. 82 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,439 Oh, nice. Olly, walk with me. 83 00:03:23,479 --> 00:03:24,840 Forwards or backwards? 84 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,240 Malcolm. You'd get a much better response from her 85 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,840 if you didn't bully her. 86 00:03:33,879 --> 00:03:35,759 Sweetheart, she should be doing the bullying. 87 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,560 She should be taking the PM's lunch money 88 00:03:37,599 --> 00:03:39,319 and using his arse as a fruit machine, 89 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,400 not practising throwing a straw Frisbee in slow motion. 90 00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:45,800 I don't think you got enough cuddles as a child. 91 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,000 So how do we engage with this demographic? 92 00:03:49,039 --> 00:03:52,120 The first thing is, first of all, knowing who we're talking about, 93 00:03:52,159 --> 00:03:53,520 and then finding a name for them. 94 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,800 People who would do something for nothing. 95 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,240 They are mugs. Mugs do something for nothing. 96 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,840 -Um, how about "deserving workforce"? -(SOFT CHUCKLING) 97 00:04:01,879 --> 00:04:04,680 Why are you laughing? Does it sound a bit Pravda-ish? 98 00:04:04,719 --> 00:04:06,000 What, handbags? 99 00:04:06,039 --> 00:04:07,840 -Pravda. -Soviet newspaper. 100 00:04:07,879 --> 00:04:11,879 This is the sort of person, they find an umbrella on a bus, 101 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:14,199 they go all the way to the depot just to give it back. 102 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:20,680 They're the commuters, they are the street-pounders, streetwalkers... 103 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,399 You can't call them "streetwalkers". 104 00:04:22,439 --> 00:04:25,560 OLLY: They're the people who deal with the little stuff. 105 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,439 Wombles. Honest Wombles. Everyday Wombles? 106 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,199 Sorry, I've just got to take a call. 107 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,279 -Um, straights. -No. 108 00:04:32,319 --> 00:04:35,680 NICOLA: No, no. Of course. Sorry. HELEN: Commuting champions. 109 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,240 NICOLA: InterRail... Human InterRailers. 110 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,079 Human InterRailers? That's InterRailers. 111 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:45,439 OLLY: Er, everyday superstars. All-British supremes. 112 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,199 That sounds like a racist tribute band. 113 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:53,639 Ordinary people with something special about them, with a special power. 114 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,160 OLLY: Please don't say "special". Don't say special. 115 00:04:56,199 --> 00:04:58,800 No, but, you know, people as superheroes. 116 00:04:58,839 --> 00:05:00,759 Ironpeople, Spiderpeople... 117 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,759 They're just regular citizens, but they have that one special quality 118 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,040 that makes them like Batman or Batpeople. 119 00:05:07,079 --> 00:05:10,040 The Quiet Batpeople. 120 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,199 Quiet Batpeople? 121 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:14,079 No, that's not it. 122 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,199 That's the general area we're looking at, is what I'm saying. 123 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,680 -It's just a marker. -HELEN: Yeah. 124 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,519 Shall we wrap it up and make a move? Shad Cab? 125 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,800 NICOLA: Yes. 126 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:22,600 -Don't say Shad Cab. Don't. -HELEN: Why not? 127 00:05:22,639 --> 00:05:24,199 Because it's Shadow Cabinet, isn't it? 128 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,519 It's like saying spag bol. It's fuck annoy. 129 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,319 -All very worthwhile. What a session. -Quiet Batpeople? 130 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,600 What's she doing? Is she fucking sniffing these pens at night? 131 00:05:32,639 --> 00:05:36,399 This is every day. This is what we do every day, scat all day. 132 00:05:36,439 --> 00:05:38,279 Jizz FM. 133 00:05:38,319 --> 00:05:41,800 What's going on inside that abandoned barn of a brain of hers? This is... 134 00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:43,480 This can't go on. This is fucking suicide. 135 00:05:43,519 --> 00:05:45,600 I know, Malcolm. I know, I know, I know. 136 00:05:45,639 --> 00:05:46,920 I mean, Nicola... 137 00:05:46,959 --> 00:05:48,800 She's a nice lady, especially when she's drunk. 138 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:50,439 Yes. 139 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,839 And her karaoke, you can't take her karaoke off her. 140 00:05:51,879 --> 00:05:53,240 I fucking wish I could. 141 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:55,160 She's going to have to fall on her sword. 142 00:05:55,199 --> 00:05:56,959 Which means that we are going to have to stick one in the ground, 143 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,399 trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down 144 00:05:58,439 --> 00:06:00,240 on her back for 10 minutes. 145 00:06:00,279 --> 00:06:02,079 -Nothing personal. (CHUCKLES) -Nothing personal. Of course not. 146 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:04,000 Of course not. 147 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:09,120 So Ben tells me you have a plan. Anything I should be worrying about? 148 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,439 You're not going to found a religion, are you? 149 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,319 Reshuffle? Don't send Ben to the back bench 150 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,800 because he'll just wank and eat Pringles. 151 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:16,519 Leather seats are an invitation to men like him. 152 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,920 -Morning. -You'll never get in. 153 00:06:19,959 --> 00:06:21,759 Cock. 154 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,720 New party logo, a kitten. A kitten in a sock. 155 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,199 A kitten in a sock, sitting on a motorway shouting, 156 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,839 "Help me, help me. I don't know what to do." 157 00:06:27,879 --> 00:06:29,519 -Am I getting close? -All right, look. 158 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,959 I just think we need to show, 159 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,279 we need to be seen to accept that there are tough decisions to be made. 160 00:06:36,319 --> 00:06:40,360 So, I thought it would be a good idea if we publicly agreed 161 00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:45,040 with two Government policies that we previously opposed. That's all. 162 00:06:47,079 --> 00:06:49,839 -Can we talk about this? -Yes. Absolutely, Malcolm. 163 00:06:49,879 --> 00:06:55,839 We'll talk about this in Cabinet, okay? I'll be talking, you'll be nodding. 164 00:06:55,879 --> 00:06:59,319 I'm struggling here. You want us to agree with the Government? 165 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:00,879 Not on everything, obviously. 166 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,759 No, we're just going to back two Government policies. 167 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,800 The coastguard pay freeze 168 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:09,600 and the end of ring-fenced funding for primary school breakfast clubs. 169 00:07:09,639 --> 00:07:13,639 So, what, we're now in favour of drowning sailors and starving children? 170 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,600 We are technically the Opposition. 171 00:07:15,639 --> 00:07:17,839 MALCOLM: Can I just be devil's advocate here for a moment? 172 00:07:17,879 --> 00:07:21,079 Nicola's right. Of course she's right, but we should at least think about 173 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,800 what Dan has to say here. 174 00:07:22,839 --> 00:07:25,040 Because we've already seen one set of quisling wankers 175 00:07:25,079 --> 00:07:28,839 cross the floor and join JB's barmy army. If the Opposition now join them, 176 00:07:28,879 --> 00:07:32,040 everyone will just be facing half an empty fucking chamber. 177 00:07:32,079 --> 00:07:38,560 Yeah, it's important that we rise above partisan politics. Dan. 178 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:39,920 -(INDISTINCT) -So that... Dan. 179 00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:43,199 ...so that we can take our poll ratings with us. 180 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:46,560 -NICOLA: Malcolm, Malcolm... -Sorry. 181 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,959 Could you not talk behind my back? Thank you. 182 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,759 -Sorry. -Now, you know, 183 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,680 if you don't think that message is clear, then that's fine, 184 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,240 but it is your job to clarify it. 185 00:08:01,639 --> 00:08:02,759 Fine. 186 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,560 Good. Okay, great. 187 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,199 Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble 188 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,519 -into the thought pool. -Ploop. 189 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,480 Sorry, Ben, I missed that. 190 00:08:12,519 --> 00:08:15,839 Just... Sorry. I said, "Ploop." 191 00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:19,519 It's just the noise of a pebble being dropped. 192 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:24,959 Er, we're still having a bit of trouble connecting with the ordinary voter, 193 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,800 the, er, the silent majority. 194 00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:33,200 Um, Malcolm can you talk us through our session this morning? 195 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,919 Well, for the record, I do think that this is a good idea. 196 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,440 Do you mind if I... Helen, can I borrow your notes for a second? 197 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,159 -Sorry, it's just... -Oh, I should say, actually, 198 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,879 none of this is set in stone. 199 00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:45,919 You know, they're... They're not even set in plasticine. 200 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,240 So the marker for this target demographic is Quiet Batpeople. 201 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,240 (LAUGHTER) 202 00:08:51,279 --> 00:08:54,879 -As I say... -Quiet Batpeople? 203 00:08:54,919 --> 00:08:57,600 Quiet Batpeople. It's everyday superheroes. 204 00:08:57,639 --> 00:08:59,399 There's a big tick next to that here. 205 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,240 Everyday heroes, like vigilantes? 206 00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:04,960 It's ordinary people, not vigilantes. 207 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,159 Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, Geoff. 208 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,759 "Little" being the operative word, "pretty" not being. 209 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:14,000 Helen's written here, "Normality is a kind of superpower." 210 00:09:14,039 --> 00:09:16,080 Okay, I'm sensing, er, opposition. 211 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:19,279 Good, good, because earlier you were talking about getting rid of that. 212 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,200 (ALL LAUGHING) 213 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:26,279 So I would like everybody to take the idea away and just let it percolate. 214 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,360 Okay, good. 215 00:09:28,399 --> 00:09:30,320 Ooh, poppies. 216 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,559 Last thing. Can we just make absolutely sure we have them on at all times? 217 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,799 -Jackets, coats. -Or Batsuits. 218 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,519 (ALL LAUGHING) 219 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:41,159 Wear your poppies or you will be shot at dawn. 220 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,320 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 221 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,240 -Thank you. -Yes. Thank you. 222 00:09:45,279 --> 00:09:47,200 Well, I had more fun at my last mammogram. 223 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,080 Oh, no. You were fine. 224 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,200 -Well, maybe... -You fox-faced fuck. 225 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,120 Oh, Dan "The Demi-man" Miller. 226 00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:55,519 Interview in The New Statesman. 227 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:57,399 He says that he pledges himself to change 228 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,679 "the fractured and shaky narrative at the heart of the party." 229 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,360 Arse! 230 00:10:02,399 --> 00:10:04,159 Well, I'm pledging myself to find Dan "Mr Smoothie" Miller 231 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,279 and fracture and shake him into an actual fucking smoothie. 232 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,440 Hey up, looks like a fun runner's lost his way. 233 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,000 Why are there bits of food wandering about? 234 00:10:11,039 --> 00:10:13,039 CHOP MAN: Are you for the chop, Mrs Murray? 235 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,399 MALCOLM: Hack pack. It's a fucking hack pack. No comment, no comment. 236 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,480 Be gracious, smile. Look good. You do look good. 237 00:10:17,519 --> 00:10:18,919 CHOP MAN: Are you for the chop, Mrs Murray? 238 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,399 NICOLA: Oh, it's a chop. 239 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:21,840 OLLY: It's that dick from the Mirrorwho... 240 00:10:21,879 --> 00:10:23,200 CHOP MAN: Are you top of the chops, Mrs Murray? 241 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,000 (LAUGHS) Very funny. Thank you. 242 00:10:25,039 --> 00:10:26,799 You fuck off, get back to the fucking Flintstones. 243 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,919 Turn up like that again, I'll go fucking Nigella Lawson on you 244 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,120 and fucking stick that down your throat and pull it out your arse. 245 00:10:31,159 --> 00:10:33,679 Right, okay. That's enough. I don't even do things I enjoy for this long. 246 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,600 That's it. Let her through. No questions, 247 00:10:35,639 --> 00:10:37,399 Nicola's got a government to bring down. 248 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,440 No comment, no comment. Thanks very much. 249 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,480 Why did we have to stand there smiling like that? 250 00:10:41,519 --> 00:10:43,720 What, do you think it'd be better if you were seen running away in tears? 251 00:10:43,759 --> 00:10:46,519 No, I just think my face next to a chop does not look good 252 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:48,519 unless I'm applying for a job in Asda. 253 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,519 Why do they need pictures of her coming from Shadow Cabinet, anyway? 254 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:53,000 Maybe they don't want pictures of her, maybe they want pictures of you. 255 00:10:53,039 --> 00:10:55,840 Maybe they want pictures of an over-Botoxed Nancy Dell'Olio. 256 00:10:55,879 --> 00:10:58,600 Right. The first chance you get, just go and deal with Dan. 257 00:10:58,639 --> 00:11:01,159 Tear him a new bum or whatever it is people say. 258 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,600 Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. 259 00:11:04,639 --> 00:11:08,759 OLLY: I mean, what would possess you to walk about the streets 260 00:11:08,799 --> 00:11:12,600 with notes just there for anybody to see? 261 00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,919 They're my notes, Olly, but they're your shit suggestions. 262 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,600 Well, I'm not the one flapping them about in such a way 263 00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:19,759 that the press can take pictures of them. 264 00:11:19,799 --> 00:11:21,519 How was I supposed to know? They were taking a photo of Nicola, not me. 265 00:11:21,559 --> 00:11:23,279 Because you are an adult working in politics in Westminster. 266 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,519 "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper! 267 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:28,799 Right, this is a wake-up call. 268 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,559 And by the way, Helen, 269 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,039 the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown 270 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,960 with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, 271 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,039 why don't you just take your notes down to Snappy Snaps 272 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,000 and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size 273 00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:40,600 so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag? 274 00:11:40,639 --> 00:11:42,840 I didn't know they'd be able to see it. 275 00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:44,759 So we have to seize the agenda. 276 00:11:44,799 --> 00:11:46,799 We have to deflect attention away from all this. 277 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,000 It's now time to embrace our friend Mr Tickle. 278 00:11:49,039 --> 00:11:50,960 I can't even say his name without smiling. 279 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,879 Yeah, well, he's not smiling, is he? 280 00:11:52,919 --> 00:11:55,480 He's living in a tent 'cause his key worker housing's been sold off. 281 00:11:55,519 --> 00:11:58,080 Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. 282 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,320 Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man 283 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,279 with a history of depression. 284 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,000 That's a way right into the principality of pricks right there. 285 00:12:06,039 --> 00:12:08,639 Yeah, and that's exactly what they will expect me to do. 286 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:10,600 They'll know about his mental health records as well. 287 00:12:10,639 --> 00:12:12,240 They'll just be waiting for me to attack. 288 00:12:12,279 --> 00:12:15,720 And I'm not going to and that will surprise them. 289 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,840 I think that you and I need to have a little talk. 290 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,919 A proper talk. 291 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,200 Like when Mummy explains why Daddy's going to be in the papers tomorrow. 292 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,399 -Come on, out. -You mean you'd like us to go? 293 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,360 Yes. Into exile, preferably. Bhutan's nice. 294 00:12:31,399 --> 00:12:35,000 I need to know that you're really on top of things, actually, Malcolm. 295 00:12:35,039 --> 00:12:36,840 I do my fucking job! 296 00:12:36,879 --> 00:12:38,840 Well, do you do your fucking job out of a sense of obligation 297 00:12:38,879 --> 00:12:40,960 or are you doing it because you actually believe in me? 298 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,120 Oh, let me boomer-fucking-rang that one right back at you. 299 00:12:43,159 --> 00:12:44,600 Do you believe in you? 300 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,279 'Cause I can't see any fucking fire in your eyes. 301 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,480 I can't even see the clicking of the pilot light 302 00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,639 to try and get a tiny little flame going. 303 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:55,000 What I do see is that you might at any day decide, 304 00:12:55,039 --> 00:12:58,399 "Oh, I've fucking had enough" and go off and get a blanket from the car. 305 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,200 I slightly resent what you're saying. 306 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,840 The fact of the matter is I do not believe in my heart of hearts 307 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,000 that you're hungry for power. 308 00:13:07,039 --> 00:13:09,759 You've got no idea how hungry for power I am. 309 00:13:09,799 --> 00:13:12,519 You have to really fucking want to do this. 310 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,399 This is what I'm telling you! I fucking want this! 311 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,399 Shit, people can hear me. I am hungry for this, yes. 312 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,600 Well, you've got to be as hungry as a fucking Hutu 313 00:13:20,639 --> 00:13:23,120 in the fucking jungle with a big machete. 314 00:13:23,159 --> 00:13:26,360 You've got to go hacking through the fucking opposition 315 00:13:26,399 --> 00:13:29,320 with a big fucking belt full of hands and a necklace made of ears. 316 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:30,480 -Can you do that? -Yes. 317 00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:32,240 Can you wear a necklace made of ears? 318 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:35,720 I can be a Hutu. I can wear fucking fingernail bracelets. 319 00:13:35,759 --> 00:13:40,440 -I can do this, Malcolm. Yes. -That's what we need to see. 320 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,279 Yeah. I promise you, I can deliver. 321 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,480 I can see that. 322 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,799 She's got Bette Davis eyes. 323 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,759 -You're going to do this. -Brilliant. Thank you, Malcolm. 324 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:53,840 Fucking useless. (SIGHS) 325 00:13:53,879 --> 00:13:56,399 She is unstoppable and she loves you. 326 00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:00,120 Because a wine tasting is not a night out, it's an admission of defeat. 327 00:14:00,159 --> 00:14:04,039 You might as well go to... Er, Jo, I'll call you back. 328 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,759 Hiya. I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller. 329 00:14:08,799 --> 00:14:11,039 -Oh, I am. -Right, is he... 330 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:17,159 I'm in the middle of slamming his smug face into a verbal deep-fat fryer. 331 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,639 You know Dan of course, don't you? Why don't you sit down and join us? 332 00:14:19,679 --> 00:14:21,480 -Er... -Join us. 333 00:14:21,519 --> 00:14:22,759 Um... 334 00:14:22,799 --> 00:14:25,440 I don't know if you've met Mrs Susan Doherty? 335 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:30,399 Mrs Doherty is a Quiet fucking Batperson or a fucking Motorway Mingebag 336 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,120 or whatever the fuck we're calling these feckless shits this week. 337 00:14:33,159 --> 00:14:35,200 I'm going to get a cup of coffee. Do you want anything? 338 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,840 -Yes, I'll have a fucking Fanta. -Okay. 339 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,080 You know what I think I did wrong last year? 340 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,720 I think I set off on the wrong foot. 341 00:14:42,759 --> 00:14:45,840 Because I actually have a bit of a problem with left and right. 342 00:14:45,879 --> 00:14:50,639 It's like directional dyslexia or dyspedia, dys... 343 00:14:50,679 --> 00:14:52,240 -(MOBILE PHONE DINGS) -It's one of the dys... 344 00:14:52,279 --> 00:14:54,039 Oh, I'm doing it now. 345 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,559 -Oh, for goodness sake. -Oh, is this more Quiet Bat guano? 346 00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,559 This Weekwould like to photograph 347 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,200 politicians wearing underpants over their clothes. 348 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:07,159 And Graziawould like to know what you carry in your utility belt and why? 349 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,080 -I'll say you're not interested. -I'm fucking not interested. 350 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,840 I'm only interested in working out which of my feet is which. 351 00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:14,639 So we need to be rid of Nicola. 352 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,000 -Rid of her? -She's tanking. 353 00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:19,039 She's fucking electoral asbestos. 354 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,399 Wow. So, you... You want to... 355 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,919 I want this party back in power where we can help people. 356 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,519 I don't know whether you've noticed, but we haven't got any fucking power. 357 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:30,440 We can't help anyone. We're like a family in a Cuban slum. 358 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,799 We're out in the middle of nowhere. We're in the fucking middle of the ocean 359 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:38,080 with our own Ellen MacArthur sobbing and crying. Enough. 360 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,519 Over the side she goes. 361 00:15:41,559 --> 00:15:43,519 She's going to sleep with the fishes. 362 00:15:43,559 --> 00:15:46,639 Or at least witter on at them until they fucking lose the will to live. 363 00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:49,399 So do you... 364 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,039 Do you have a plan? 365 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,360 Optimum timeframe to step down is eight months from now. 366 00:15:53,399 --> 00:15:56,159 Over that period she has to be very gently dislodged, 367 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,200 like a tick from a cat's ear. 368 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,679 You set up that Batpeople photo! 369 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,759 Olly, I'm shocked at you suggesting that. 370 00:16:02,799 --> 00:16:06,519 Jiminy Fuckmas, Malcolm. I don't know about any of this. 371 00:16:06,559 --> 00:16:10,240 It's time for you to step up, Olly. What's that film that you love? 372 00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:12,200 -What film? -The one about the fucking hairdresser. 373 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,799 The space hairdresser and the cowboy. 374 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,600 The guys... He's got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. 375 00:16:18,639 --> 00:16:22,399 His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister. 376 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,919 Lego. They're all made of fucking Lego. 377 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,000 -Star Wars. -That's the one, right. 378 00:16:27,039 --> 00:16:28,679 It's like that, okay? 379 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,679 You want to fucking kill all the bad guys 380 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,399 and you'll be able to blow up the big... 381 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,039 -The Death Star. -The Death Star thing. 382 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,759 -Yes. -Then you can go and live 383 00:16:35,799 --> 00:16:37,960 happily ever after on the Planet of the Teddy Bears. 384 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,799 They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy. Well done. I... 385 00:16:42,799 --> 00:16:47,080 Are you absolutely sure about this, Malcolm? 386 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,440 Well, not really, no. 387 00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:51,440 But it's worth a punt, isn't it? 388 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,519 Er... 389 00:16:53,559 --> 00:16:55,080 Good! Life is interesting at last. 390 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,759 I've been so fucking bored for the last two years. 391 00:16:58,799 --> 00:17:00,039 Bonnie Langford's paying. 392 00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:04,680 It's a good speech, I think. Does it need a bit of a... 393 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,920 -Rethink? -I was going to say "trim". 394 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,119 Are you going to address the Batpeople thing in the speech? 395 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,160 No. I might walk onstage to the theme tune. 396 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,599 Just make sure you're not wearing anything 397 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,279 that can be photographed looking like a cape. 398 00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:18,720 Oh, Malcolm. Did you see Dan? 399 00:17:18,759 --> 00:17:21,039 I saw him and I fucking eviscerated him. 400 00:17:21,079 --> 00:17:22,599 What did you say? 401 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,599 He crumpled like a crisp packet on a cooker. 402 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,799 He's now just a small pool of grease and regret. Isn't he? 403 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:32,200 Yeah, yeah. You can only see him under UV lights now. 404 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,319 -How do you know? -NICOLA: Were you there? 405 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:38,759 Yeah, yeah. Malcolm flayed his skin off. He's going to use it as his onesie. 406 00:17:38,799 --> 00:17:40,920 That's him just come in. Don't say anything, don't say anything. 407 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,519 Don't humiliate him any further. It's my fucking job. 408 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,000 Give us your dinner money. 409 00:17:47,039 --> 00:17:49,279 I haven't got dinner money, I bring a packed lunch. 410 00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:52,079 Well, fuck that, then. I don't want one of your homemade fucking feta parcels. 411 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:54,279 I presume you need to bollock me 412 00:17:54,319 --> 00:17:56,000 for my disloyalty in doing that New Statesmanthing, so why don't we just... 413 00:17:56,039 --> 00:17:59,200 I already have, this morning. Were you not there? 414 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,920 I can't say I recall it. 415 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,440 Would it be cheeky if I invited you onto the veranda? 416 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,440 I've got a little matter I'd like to discuss with you. 417 00:18:06,279 --> 00:18:08,200 We're lovers, deal with it. 418 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,279 I suppose the key question is: 419 00:18:11,319 --> 00:18:13,880 is Dan Miller going to pull the same stunt again? 420 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,960 Well, I mean, I think after what he's just been through with Malcolm, Dan's... 421 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,279 He's crushed, he's just in the shower, crying, with his clothes on. 422 00:18:20,319 --> 00:18:21,759 Dan? Dan Miller? 423 00:18:21,799 --> 00:18:24,799 Yeah, Malcolm gave him a right old "ker-chee". 424 00:18:24,839 --> 00:18:26,079 He gave him a cash register? 425 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:28,839 No, that was me cracking a whip, plainly. 426 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,440 Well, shame I missed that. Where was... Where was this? 427 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,599 It was in the back stairwell. 428 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,039 Oh. Well, that's right by my office. I mean, I'm surprised I didn't hear that. 429 00:18:37,079 --> 00:18:39,799 I mean, I can hear Fat Pat's farts bouncing off the walls 430 00:18:39,839 --> 00:18:42,079 when she has to take the stairs if the lift's bust. 431 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:43,759 Well, it was sort of... 432 00:18:43,799 --> 00:18:45,400 He did it in a lower-toned, special kind of terrifying... 433 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,720 He calls it, um, "whisperboarding". 434 00:18:50,039 --> 00:18:53,240 It's not a healthy sign when the deputy attacks the leader. 435 00:18:53,279 --> 00:18:56,680 But maybe we should embrace this point of no return. 436 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,359 Are you saying you agree with what I wrote? 437 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:04,599 I'm saying that I spoke to Nicola earlier to gauge the fire in her belly 438 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,839 and now I'm standing in a cupboard with you. 439 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,000 What's the worst thing that he said? 440 00:19:09,039 --> 00:19:13,400 Oh, well, he said, "Fuck right off, you fucker." 441 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,319 Really? Well, I once used the last teabag 442 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:16,960 and Malcolm pushed me up against a wall 443 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,599 and called me Noncey Sinatra, so that seems a bit tame. 444 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,200 Well, like I say, it was mainly in the tone, Ben. 445 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,519 I didn't hold the door open for him last week and he called me a minge mop. 446 00:19:24,559 --> 00:19:25,799 Yeah, but he likes Dan. 447 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,039 So... 448 00:19:29,079 --> 00:19:31,480 Did you need me? 449 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,839 Nope, nope. 450 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,039 (SIGHS) 451 00:19:36,079 --> 00:19:38,799 -So, your loyalty to Nicola is... -Unwavering. 452 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,240 -Right up to the point that... -Someone challenges her? 453 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,359 Not necessary. She's going to kick her own head in, 454 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,200 which will be easy for her, because she does yoga. 455 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,799 No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket 456 00:19:50,839 --> 00:19:52,880 while she commits political hara-kiri 457 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:57,079 and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess. 458 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:01,079 So you think...I should challenge her? 459 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:03,759 What the fuck is this? Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? 460 00:20:03,799 --> 00:20:07,640 Do you or do you not want to be the next leader of this party? 461 00:20:08,519 --> 00:20:09,839 Yes. 462 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,400 Right. Well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, 463 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,000 so it looks like we're giving her a chance. 464 00:20:13,039 --> 00:20:15,599 I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend. 465 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,160 Now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard 466 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:20,279 before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank. 467 00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:24,039 And I agree that we no longer have the luxury, 468 00:20:24,079 --> 00:20:29,279 the privilege of thinking in the abstract about politics. 469 00:20:29,319 --> 00:20:31,079 How's Martina Luther King doing? 470 00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:33,200 It's like that old show Faking It. 471 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:38,519 She's a shit politician pretending to be... pretending to be a mediocre one. 472 00:20:38,559 --> 00:20:40,279 -What's that text? -It's not a text. 473 00:20:40,319 --> 00:20:41,799 -Show me that text. -It's an alert telling me to tell you 474 00:20:41,839 --> 00:20:43,279 to mind your own business. 475 00:20:43,319 --> 00:20:45,599 -Show me the text. -No. No, I'm not... Get off. 476 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,000 -Show me. -No, get off. 477 00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:49,440 It's a girl sexting me, Malcolm. 478 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:51,799 Just practising for Strictly. 479 00:20:51,839 --> 00:20:54,240 Get off my fucking... Give me my fucking... 480 00:20:54,279 --> 00:20:58,559 What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts? 481 00:20:58,599 --> 00:21:00,279 Give me my phone, Malcolm. Give me my phone. 482 00:21:00,319 --> 00:21:02,319 "As I thought, we're dropping BC." What does that mean? 483 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,200 You want to know? That's my friend who works in Education. 484 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,920 The Government are dropping the reforms 485 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,200 to the primary school breakfast club policy. 486 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,400 Okay. Let's rewind here a bit, stickman. 487 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,039 Nicola is about to adopt a policy that is so toxic 488 00:21:15,079 --> 00:21:19,720 that this stony-hearted Government of fucking puppy killers is dropping it? 489 00:21:19,759 --> 00:21:21,400 Yeah. 490 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,599 Shit in my porridge. Get a dart gun and go and fucking kill her. 491 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:28,319 No, no, think about it. This is exactly what we want, right? 492 00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:31,240 No, think about it. This isn't what we want. This is too soon. 493 00:21:31,279 --> 00:21:33,640 The mechanics of the leadership election are not in place. 494 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,200 Right, we've got to get her off that stage. -... 495 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,039 -Er... -Go and piss in a fuse box or something. 496 00:21:37,079 --> 00:21:39,599 Finger a security guard. I'll bundle her out during the melee. 497 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,279 We need to stop Nicola announcing now. 498 00:21:41,319 --> 00:21:42,680 Rumour has it that the Government 499 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,160 is going to drop the breakfast club policy. 500 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,240 Shit. But just a rumour, yeah? 501 00:21:46,279 --> 00:21:49,119 Yes, I'm just getting it from John. You need to signal her to stop, 502 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,720 -you've got a signal, yeah? -Er... 503 00:21:50,759 --> 00:21:53,359 -We never agreed on one. -You don't have a fucking signal? 504 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:54,759 You must have a signal from Hampstead Heath. 505 00:21:54,799 --> 00:21:57,200 Um, didn't Nicola mention something about iceberg 506 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,799 as in "you're going to crash into an iceberg"? 507 00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:01,480 Okay, yeah. How do I do that? Oh, yeah. That's subtle. 508 00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:07,640 In times of deep crisis, tribal politics can act as a brake upon it. 509 00:22:08,759 --> 00:22:12,240 And it's down...to us 510 00:22:12,279 --> 00:22:14,079 to rise above this and think... 511 00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:17,519 -What is that? Breached birth? -It's a fucking iceberg. 512 00:22:17,559 --> 00:22:19,480 -It's an upside-down uterus. -Shut up, Olly! 513 00:22:19,519 --> 00:22:23,720 ...that we're endorsing fully and unreservedly 514 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:26,400 a pay freeze for the coastguard 515 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,680 and an end to the ring-fencing of funds 516 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,880 to provide primary school breakfast clubs. 517 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,400 We are in concurrence with the Government 518 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,440 -because we are in unity... -(TEXT ALERT BEEPING) 519 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,640 ...with the British people. 520 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,799 Any questions? 521 00:22:43,839 --> 00:22:45,960 Mrs Murray, did you know that the Government have just announced 522 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,039 that they are dropping the reform on primary school breakfast clubs? 523 00:22:50,079 --> 00:22:52,400 (WHISPERING) Pretend you heard another question. 524 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:56,599 Er, yes, yes. Er, we... Yes. 525 00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:00,880 Breakfast really is a... 526 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,279 really is a meal for the whole family. 527 00:23:03,319 --> 00:23:06,799 Er... And, er, I think that we regard that as... 528 00:23:06,839 --> 00:23:09,839 You've got some nice fake concern going on there, Malcolm. 529 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:15,759 -I'm sorry? -Undermining Nicola. 530 00:23:15,799 --> 00:23:19,039 You're getting off on this. You've got some sort of agenda. 531 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:27,880 Don't you dare question my loyalty to my leader or my party ever again. 532 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,680 And don't flatter yourself into thinking 533 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,359 that you can divine my motives or actions. 534 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,279 You are a mouse in a maze. 535 00:23:35,319 --> 00:23:37,799 Now, that's not to say that if you don't have a family 536 00:23:37,839 --> 00:23:39,160 you can't enjoy breakfast. 537 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,000 Plainly, you can and you should, 538 00:23:41,039 --> 00:23:44,960 because it's the most important meal of the day, 539 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,359 especially if you've been fasting during Eid. 540 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,440 I'm dead, aren't I? Why didn't you stop me? 541 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,960 I tried to warn you. 542 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,400 Oh, with that triangle thing. W.T.Fuck was that? 543 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:58,799 Iceberg. 544 00:23:58,839 --> 00:24:00,680 Not to scale, obviously. The iceberg you were heading for 545 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:02,799 was much, much bigger than that. 546 00:24:02,839 --> 00:24:05,000 Do you know what I thought it was? Hash brown. 547 00:24:05,039 --> 00:24:08,240 You see a triangle and the first thing that comes to your mind is hash brown? 548 00:24:08,279 --> 00:24:10,039 No, it's... 549 00:24:10,079 --> 00:24:11,960 -Bye-bye. -Thank you. 550 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,480 Not the first thing. The first thing I thought was pyramid. 551 00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:16,640 Pyramid, the signal being... 552 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,559 Being everything's fine. 553 00:24:18,599 --> 00:24:20,640 You know, everybody likes pyramids. 554 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:22,519 (SIGHING) 555 00:24:22,559 --> 00:24:24,279 Do we know why the fuckers dropped it? 556 00:24:24,319 --> 00:24:27,119 Even the Etonian mess over at Number 10 has to acknowledge 557 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:28,640 that people hate the policy. 558 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,599 It's taking food out of children's mouths. 559 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,799 It is kind of the opposite of Comic Relief. 560 00:24:32,839 --> 00:24:34,960 Well, then you should have stopped me. 561 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,400 You could have created a diversion. You could have gone in there 562 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,079 and set yourself on fire or got your tits out, 563 00:24:40,119 --> 00:24:42,200 shouted, "Ooh, there's a big lion!" 564 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,079 I don't know. Just something. 565 00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:47,079 Just anything rather than leave me in there committing career suicide 566 00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:49,160 by starving small children. 567 00:24:50,039 --> 00:24:52,000 And you, Malcolm, 568 00:24:52,039 --> 00:24:54,039 the one time in my life I would have been actually pleased to see you. 569 00:24:54,079 --> 00:24:55,640 Where the fuck were you? 570 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:56,680 Sorry. 571 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,799 Can you U-turn, maybe? 572 00:24:58,839 --> 00:25:01,119 No! That was a U-turn. 573 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,240 If I do another U-turn, it's an O-turn. 574 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,559 -Am I dead? -No. No, no. 575 00:25:06,599 --> 00:25:08,559 'Cause I feel like I'm dead. 576 00:25:08,599 --> 00:25:10,920 I feel like on Sunday I should just put the poppy wreath round my neck 577 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,599 and take 40 paracetamol. 578 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,559 No, don't worry. Look, we're all still Team Nicola. 579 00:25:15,599 --> 00:25:17,519 We'll fight for you, won't we? 580 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,839 -Can somebody get me a coffee, please? -God, yeah. 581 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,200 HELEN: Hold the wreath in your right hand. 582 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,319 It's going to even be heavier than this, though, isn't it? 583 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:31,079 It's a practice wreath. It will probably... I haven't weighed them. 584 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:35,279 Down, two, three, frown, two, three. Up and walk backwards. 585 00:25:35,319 --> 00:25:37,039 Just copy the Queen if in doubt. 586 00:25:37,079 --> 00:25:39,079 That's going to have to do. 587 00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:42,079 Good luck. Just, you know, knock 'em dead in a silent, respectful manner. 588 00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:43,200 (SIGHING) Yeah. 589 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,880 -Phone off. -Ho ho. 590 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,000 -Helen given you the Wreath Lecture? -(SIGHS DEEPLY) 591 00:25:47,039 --> 00:25:49,200 Oh, come on. Nicola, you'll be absolutely fine. 592 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,480 I couldn't eat breakfast, 593 00:25:50,519 --> 00:25:52,599 I felt like I'd personally ripped it out 594 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,400 of the hands of some malnourished infant. 595 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,400 Stop it. Stop it. The first rule of Breakfast Club 596 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,720 is we do not talk about Breakfast Club, right? 597 00:25:58,759 --> 00:25:59,960 That's it for now. 598 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,119 It's not just that. My head's full of bat. 599 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:04,160 Because of the hat? 600 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,000 -What? -No, because of the... 601 00:26:06,039 --> 00:26:08,319 -Does this look like a bat? -No, I was going to say it doesn't. 602 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,680 It doesn't, in fact, look like a... It's more Mickey Mouse, isn't it, the hat? 603 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,960 Or Minnie Mouse. It's Minnie Mouse. Not bat. 604 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,160 -Fuck off, Olly. -Okay. Just wreath up that bad boy. 605 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:18,480 -Okay. -Yeah. 606 00:26:18,519 --> 00:26:19,839 Right. 607 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,440 (IMITATING SID WADDELL) Oh, and the DPM is up next. 608 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,359 Firm grasp on the wreath there. 609 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,200 He's aiming for the steps. 610 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:35,480 Top step! And that is magic poppies. 611 00:26:35,519 --> 00:26:37,200 (TV PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC) 612 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,119 Oh, here we go. 613 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,880 OLLY: She's flustered, though, isn't she? That's the problem. 614 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:45,160 HELEN: She'll be fine. 615 00:26:49,039 --> 00:26:50,799 Oh, my God. 616 00:26:53,759 --> 00:26:57,599 Bollocking poppy-wank! What... Why is she hovering in the middle? 617 00:26:59,839 --> 00:27:01,839 You're right. She can't fucking walk. 618 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,279 BEN: I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her? 619 00:27:04,319 --> 00:27:07,079 It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal. 620 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,440 Sorry. 621 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,079 I don't understand how you can get that wrong. 622 00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:14,440 It's this. De-de-clonk. 623 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:17,160 HELEN: She is officially a cenotwat. 624 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,039 Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. 625 00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:23,079 The unknown leader. 626 00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,039 I can't watch. I feel a bit sick. 627 00:27:25,079 --> 00:27:27,240 I just hope there is no afterlife, 628 00:27:27,279 --> 00:27:29,599 because if people fought and died for this, 629 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:33,240 it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile. 630 00:27:33,279 --> 00:27:34,920 Why do you know so much about horses, anyway? 631 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,799 I thought you were raised by wolves. 632 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:41,920 First thoughts. We're policy-jamming here. 633 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,400 ALL: Yes and ho. 634 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,519 Let's MacIntyre this. Stand up. 635 00:27:45,559 --> 00:27:47,519 I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. 636 00:27:47,559 --> 00:27:49,160 Do you want to have an ideagasm? 637 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:50,559 Yes, please. 638 00:27:50,599 --> 00:27:52,119 She's some kind of economist, apparently. 639 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,400 I think we're looking at about two billion. 640 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:54,480 Ahem. 641 00:27:54,519 --> 00:27:55,839 I quite like Emily Maitlis. 642 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:57,480 Oh, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. 643 00:27:57,519 --> 00:27:58,920 (SHOUTING) 644 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,400 Is this what we came into politics for? 645 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,839 Yeah. That and the pussy.